Keep calm and carry on

It seems as if every other Brazilian you meet has joint Italian, Spanish or Portuguese nationality. All they need is a grandparent from one of those countries to qualify. Why do countries, including others such as Poland, offer this generous benefit to people who appear, once they have it, to go and settle in the UK ? I've heard endless stories to this effect, with Britain's famous welfare state rolling out the red carpet to these instant EU "citizens".

Pae in the sky

We climbed into Sam's balloon and sailed off into the night. How is it possible to traverse a great ocean, from south to north as well as east to west, in less than half a day ? Do we really understand what we do when we fly ? Below us is the vast expanse of dark, watery oblivion but we simply sit and count the hours. Ten months ago I travelled in the opposite direction, going "on holiday" for a while. Now I was returning as a pae (father). The past is a foreign country, and so is anywhere that refuses entry to your flesh and blood. As we approached the Alt-neu land, the son began to rise and we mumbled our thanks to the Pae in the sky.

Retail therapy !

God knows, Britain has enough problems right now (time travellers see my next post on immigration). But the law of relativity means that after our first shopping experience back here in Blighty, we are like kids in a candy store, giddy with excitement. When it comes to retail, Britain is still a blessed land. Mothercare, Boots, Tesco and assorted smaller shops - today's brief expedition was a veritable orgy of product, price, quality, design and service.

Retail therapy ?

The other morning, our last in Brazil for now, P wanted to find some tokens of Brazil which we could take as presents to the UK. We walked up and down the local hills but came back empty-handed. No great surprise, since there really isn't much that is distinctive about Brazilian "culture", aside from some nice fruit, football, capoeira, samba, bikinis, flipflops ... urban Brazil simply tries to copy what is available much more widely and cheaply in more grown-up societies.

Gastronnovation

Did I just unwittingly innovate in my local paderia (bakery-cum-cafe) ? A rare solo outing, I found myself ordering yet another pao na chapa and cafe com leite. Surely I'm not becoming addicted ? But then, wanting something a little more adventurous, I asked for another old familiar: a pao da queijo, aka little white-bread ball stuffed with semi-baked cheese. Eaten fresh and hot they can be delicious, but stodgy and cold is bad news. So I asked for them "quente" (hot). What I got was this, the aforementioned ball cut in half, squashed flat and grilled just like a pao na chapa. Tasted pretty good, too. But my question is: did a possible misunderstanding by the waitress result in this interesting hybrid or is it just something I've not come across before ? I won't rest until my curiosity's appetite is sated !

PS: That big fat card next to the plate is something many places hand you when you walk in. All purchases are logged on the card's magnetic stripe and tallied up when you pay the cashier on leaving. It's so typical and infuriating of Brazil that when you ask them to give you just one collective card rather than one for each person in your group, thus freeing up precious table space, the underpaid staff look at you incomprehendingly and politely insist that you must have one each. Those are The Rules, and as always in Brazil, The Rules must not be questioned.

Wolves at the door

Another murderous robbery in Sao Paulo, this time on the fashionable street of Oscar Freire, not far from our house. A 53-year-old systems analyst and another male were gunned down in an apartment, apparently after a violent struggle, as there were blood stains all over the place. The owner's car was then stolen. No CCTV cameras on the building so no visual evidence. But one of the night security guards, who has gone missing, is currently a key suspect.

I know what you did last summer

A sobering new chapter in Brazil's political and economic life is underway - and it's a far cry from the summery zeitgeist when I arrived here almost 10 months ago. On the one hand, I'm impressed that President Dilma Rousseff is trying to tackle Brazil's deep-rooted governmental corruption. On the other, if corruption is indeed integral to the country's psyche and foundations, the danger is that by kicking this prop away, the whole edifice will have to come crashing down before it can be rebuilt. With mounting macroeconomic problems, Brazil no longer has such a pleasant climate in which to get its house in order.

Casualty !

The moment had finally come: a dreaded trip to one of Sao Paulo's public hospitals. Sam's increasingly risky attempts to go where no toddler has gone before, especially in a child-unfriendly flat, have kept us permanently on our toes. There have been bumps and bruises but today's tumble in the bathroom, while once again indulging his fatal fascination with the toilet seat, left us both in a state of panic.

Squeaky men & booming babies

I do it myself sometimes. Most men do. Suddenly slip into an emasculating high-pitched squeak. Israeli men are particularly funny in this regard, as they instantly skip several octaves and mutate from from macho to mouse. I suppose it happens when guys are feeling stressed or defensive. Here in Brazil I see far too much squeakiness, and of a more worryngly permanent type. Cabbies, waiters and good ol' boy blue-collar workers, they're all at it.

Singin' in the rain

Well, more of a drizzle actually. But when it began late last night, accompanied by a few small claps of thunder and flashes of lightning, I couldn't have been happier. Roll on, you merry torrents, nature doing what humans won't and cleansing this city of its relentless toxins.

The "Maple Syrup index" revisited

And it's a new world record, ladies 'n gentlemen ! A local deli / supermarket has achieved a fantastic all-time high for maple syrup - 52 reais or £20. The same quantity of Tesco's Finest costs £5.50. It's not as if this Brazilian brand is even very good. I tried going for a poor man's Maple last time, buying a cheap plastic bottle of synthetic goo but it remains almost untouched.

Non-blow-up

Enjoying an epic sushi rodizio lunch today, for 38 reais (£15) a head all in, I ordered the "soufflé" dessert. It turned out to be some ice cream surrounded by small pineapple chunks, covered in the ubiquitous condensed-milk-and-creme-de-leite combo. I said to the waiter: It's not a souffle. He agreed and helpfully added that a "real" souffle "is hot". I agreed. He laughed. I laughed. After I'd eaten the quite pleasant non-souffle he returned and asked if we'd like a coffee. "This time it will definitely be hot!"

And there in that tiny grain of gastro-comic interaction is contained an entire Brazilian world: a parallel universe in which things that might normally lead to conflict are so often deflated by a generous dollop of warmth and good humour.

Geography and destiny

Since reading John Mauldin's report on Brazil the other day, I've been thinking about geography, identity and destiny. To what degree do our physical surroundings define who and what we are ? I suppose it's the old nature-nurture debate, except transposed onto entire countries and cultures rather than single individuals.

A $3 trillion headache

As I sit here, late into the polluted night, still sniffing, sneezing, eye rubbing and throat clearing (sadly not just "I" but "we"), right on cue comes an Economist article showing how LatAm megacities are collapsing under their own unsupported weight. Desperately under-invested, congested, polluted, dangerous, etc. etc., they are a $3 trn collective problem. No surprise that Sao Paulo features prominently. (Just how bad, I wonder, can the even more notorious Mexico City be ?) Before I came here I would never have guessed that the biggest pollution problem happened in winter rather than summer. But if you rely on rain as your main anti-pollution measure, then this driest time of the year is not good. Not good at all.

Brazil in 2014 ?

... after an "embarrassing" World Cup ? Just asking ...

Sky News reports on India's reaction to hunger-striking anti-corruption campaigner Anna Hazare:

Maid in Brasil

As our taxi passed by a swanky shop in Jardim Europa this morning, P noticed the sign outside shouting "Kitchens made in Germany !" Her response was to the effect that Brazil will only hold it's head high when it can boast "Kitchens made in Brazil !"

Take a breath

A couple of hours ago, sitting in an open-window office several storeys above Paulista Avenue, I felt my mouth and throat go dry. Then drier. Then positively arid. Later, pushing my poor son home along the same central Sao Paulo thoroughfare, I felt a runny nose and headache set in, accompanied by a general feeling of unhealthy unease. Once again we were forced to inhale the endless automotive effluent of this city, and by extension of all South America. To think how much people pay to live here, in this fume-choked, particulate-drenched atmosphere ! When having any kind of panic attack, the advice is usually to take big deep breaths and slowly exhale. Perhaps better advice under these circumstances would be simply to hold your breath for as long as humanly possible and pray that the torrential rains return muito rapido. Sao Paulo, I promise never again to curse your biblical flooding and undrained roads !

Muddle class

Here's the latest installment in the long-running soap opera that is Brazil's "emerging middle class". It's in Portuguese but to save you the bother of looking I can sum it up as follows: confused journalist writes confusing article based on recent research into how confused Brazilians see their own social standing, eg AB, C or D class. Seems no-one has a clue what they are. All we can say, as before, is that ex-President Lula's definition of middle class - anyone earning 2200 reais a month - was and is absurdly optimistic.

Tackling World Cup corruption

"How much money is being invested ? Where is this money going ? How much of it is being spent on an arena rather than other things that the city needs ? ... I wish people chased politicians as hard as they chase footballers ... I'd like Sao Paulo to transform itself as Barcelona did in 1992, in terms of airports and safety. But I don't think it will happen."

- Caio Ribeiro, ex-footballer and now commentator for TV Globo, talking about the Brazilian World Cup in 2014. Quoted in Sao Paulo magazine.

Go, rodizio !

Food glorious food. I've said quite a few unappetising things about food in Brazil - how anything that isn't natural tends to be stodgy, fatty, synthetic, over-processed, over-salted, over-sweetened, over-fried, overpriced, etc. But I have also mentioned the rodizios, or fixed-price buffets. Not so many where we used to live but loads round here. What is weird is that food in supermarkets is often prohibitively expensive (try finding decent cheese that doesn't break the bank) and a la carte food in restaurants and cafes is also expensive.

Brazil's most precious resource

Feliz Dia dos Pais ! Happy Brazilian Father's Day !

A geography lesson

Fascinating economic analysis of Brazil by John Mauldin (accessible by email subscription only). We live in an age of air travel, technology and the Internet so it's somewhat sobering to be told that much of what passes for economic activity in the world still centres on geography. For this reason, despite it's vast natural resources, Brazil has always been hampered by major geographic limitations. These are unlikely to disappear anytime soon, so the country has some difficult decisions ahead. Here are some extracts from this long but brilliant analysis:

The insurance road less travelled

The other day I received an email from my UK bank, Coventry Building Society. It was encouraging me to buy their travel insurance product, guaranteeing, among other things, up to £5m of medical cover. That seems par for the course: all such products in the UK offer a multi-million pound cover when it comes to matters of medical life and limb abroad.

More from Jonathan, the ratings winner !

In journalism people used to say that such and such "makes good copy". Perhaps they still do. The implication is that, irrespective of the truth or importance behind the "story", it will get people reading. And as we were always told in Journalism 101, without readers you might as well pack up and go home. Journalism is "infotainment", information always allied, however slightly, to entertainment. If you want to read something just for the "facts", pick up an instruction manual or a dry academic thesis.

India v Brazil

This just in from my Anglo-Indian friend John:

"For a while I thought India was the same as Brazil. I was wrong. Yes they have the same exclusive shopping malls with tacky global brands but India is more cultural. It has soul and is fiercly proud of being a democracy. Also it's handling growth better.

Judge not

Same old, same old as Brazil "cleans up it's act".

Go to hell, bankrupt Britain

Today I received a short email notification from UK immigration authorities rejecting my son for a second time. They apparently have no interest in allowing him to collect his birthright of British citizenship and they are certainly being impressively prompt in slamming the door in his face. Thank you, UK Plc, for your efficiency. We have already spent thousands of pounds for nothing and now I look forward to spending much more, not including endless man-hours and aggravation, as I try to get my son what is already his by blood. You, faceless, cowardly immigration bureaucrats, don't deny this but because of a piece of deeply unjust red tape concerning his mother's marital status when giving birth, you don't give a damn. BRITISH COMPUTER SAYS NO. Again.

Honest living ?

Update to my post below on insanely low remuneration and dodgy employment practices. The Brazilian-US chap in question has added the following comments, based on his sorry experience with a Brazilian employer up in the North-East. Obviously, this is just his perspective and I'm not saying it's the last word but I think his experience is salutary. Over to you Jonathan:

A second byte

Yesterday Apple became the world's most valuable company, an even more impressive achievement on such a bloody day in the markets. The mighty oil giant Exxon was finally unseated as king of the corporate hill. It was not so very long ago that Apple was being crowned "world's most valuable tech company", having overtaken Microsoft. That was surreal enough. We've travelled a long, long way from Apple's near-demise in 1997, just before founder and current CEO Steve Jobs returned to the helm after years in the wilderness.

A tale of two cities

London's burning. Anarchy in the UK. But this time much more like serious Brazilian anarchy than punk rock in it's prime.

Decades of social corrosion in the UK have led to this. Back in the day, circa 1980, UK riots had a bit of "class". They were "about" something, usually inequality and unemployment, albeit still no excuse for urban warfare. But today there isn't even the pretence of ideology. Just DIY "summer sales" by Blackberry-touting louts, of both sexes, spurred on in their looting by a national religion of cynical, celebrity-led consumerism and the almost complete extinction of personal responsibility.

Allied to New Labour's 13-year misuse and abuse of the benefits system, plus its bureaucratic handicapping of the police and social services, what you are left with is a corresponding sense of entitlement. Never an attractive quality, it now sits particularly awkwardly with bankrupt Britain. If the 1980s was the yuppie decade, swinging to the tune of "work hard, play hard and you can have it all," the last decade and a half has been, simply, "you can have it all ... because it's your right". Or more succinctly, as in the advertising slogan, "Because you're worth it!" No need to work for it; just demand it. Or steal it.

Credit where credit's due

For everything else there's the Post Office. Before I travelled to Brazil last October I was alarmed to hear that my credit cards might not work, such is the country's reputation for fraud. I had a longish, rather pleading phone chat with someone at the Post Office, hoping they could ensure I would not be cut off from my financial lifeline. Still, I feared the worst when I got here, which is why I just wanted to take a moment to thank the PO and / or my lucky stars that the card has proved such a trusty and reliable companion in what has been a money-pit existence here. Sadly, I can't say quite the same for my Nationwide debit card, which temporarily died just when I most needed it (after the robbery) but now seems to have mysteriously sprung back to life.

Salaries in Brazil

Just heard from a friend, joint US-Brazilian nationality, who's been in Brazil for some time trying to settle here after many years living in the US. Well-qualified and experienced, he thought he'd finally landed a job in a legal field. Only problem was the salary: 1000 reais a month, about £400. That should just about cover his Telefonica bill.

Wonderful, wonderful Kopenhagen

There are a few chocolatiers around here. We've tried several but tonight reconfirmed Kopenhagen (corner of Rua Augusta and Rua Tiete) as our undisputed hot chocolate champ. Exquisite and not too expensive either. Just don't be tempted by the bomboms, which at 10 reais (£4) a pop are a temptation too far.

PS: Last time here I said it was a shame another Brazilian chocolatier felt the need to give their brand a European twist. But the staff told me it was actually the family name of the owners, so can't argue with that.

Baby steps

Oh do get over it, Hobert ! So they can't make pavements / sidewalks. So they force you to walk up and down insanely steep streets, pushing a baby buggy, and then they think it's perfectly ok to abandon the pavement altogether and dump some kind of excuse for steps ? Steps which are sometimes so gigantic they can't even be classified as steps, but more like a form of rock climbing ? And you still haven't got used to it, Hobert ? ... Well, no, I'm afraid I haven't and I never will. Apparently this country produces a ton(ne) of engineers. Apparently it has a booming IT industry. But here in one of the poshest parts of town, as everywhere else, they somehow can't find it in themselves to produce the most basic and essential infrastructure for any civilized society. I know that as mere pedestrians we must ipso facto be losers, pathetically reliant on public investment. But still it would be nice to know that someone else in this town gave a damn.

The foolish foreigner's tale

A line from my previous post, about reinforcing prejudices, got me thinking: did I come to Brazil with a desire to see only the bad side ?

It's true, I did arrive in, shall we say, an unusual state of mind. The headline might read: "First-time visitor to Brazil comes to 'take delivery' of his first-born child", whose Brazilian mother had partly decided and partly been forced (by UK visa problems) to give birth in her home country. A home she hadn't seen in over five years.

The haberdasher's tale

Do I go looking for negative comments about Brazil ? You'd be forgiven for thinking so; after all, it's human nature to want to reinforce our prejudices. Perhaps if I relentlessly asked locals what they love and adore about Brazil I might get a rosy-looking picture. But I don't. Take this blog's apparent bias with a pinchful or sackful of salt. I am just one small voice. However, subjective as I am, my intention is to try to reflect, accurately and honestly, what I hear.

The Holy Trinity

Family Guy. The Cleveland Show. American Dad. Seth Macfarlane is the latest Shakespeare. I used to say that of Matt Groening and The Simpsons, to a lesser degree of South Park, King of the Hill and other assorted pieces of animation comedy genius. But evolution is a wonderful thing and somehow the creators of FG, TCS and AD seem that bit closer to the summit of comic-satiric-surrealistic perfection.

Who is rich ?

If a country's wealth is measured by the contents of its collective head and heart rather than its abundance of forests, beaches, fields and mines, then Brazil is not rich.

P has recently made contact with a fellow Brazilian who emigrated from Sao Paulo to northern Israel a few years ago. She and her (Jewish) Brazilian husband now have three children. I found this woman's comments, made off the cuff and without any hidden agenda, equally revealing about her new home and the place she left behind.

City of God

"After five deaths in 25 hours, Sao Paulo Police create a special robbery-murder department," says a headline in today's Estadao. It seems when the victims put up any kind of resistance they were fatally shot, some in front of their children.

Sao Pollution 2

So was it a winter cold I had recently and which has left me with a permanently irritated throat, eyes and sinus, not to mention my son's sneezing more than average of late ? Or was it pollution ? As I suspected, seems to be the latter, according to this article in Veja.

I never thought I'd be wishing for a return of the torrential rains that blight this city for much of the year but the prolonged dry spell of winter has whipped the city's notorious pollution into an even worse state than usual. Seven million cars combined with virtually no anti-pollution policy and substandard building construction mean that pollution is even worse inside apartments than outside, according to the Veja article. Four times higher than the World Health Organisation's recommended maximum.

Beam me up Scotty. I think I've been punished enough.