Invasion of the booty snatchers

I, my son and his nanny were just held at gun point in our home by two low lifes. Priscila had always said to me, wait until all the "booming Brazil" brigade get violently mugged, then they'll change their tune. Well, after "helping" the invaders with their "shopping" we were tied up, hands and feet and gagged. Thankfully they were satisfied with taking large amounts of cash, iPhones, iPods, net books and other assorted things, which I've yet to itemise. Great that they missed this iPad even though it was sitting in clear view on the table. I thought it might be the end, City of God and all that, and no accounting for drug-crazed sadism.

But it wasn't the end, and for that I give great thanks, no matter what they took. I heard that the landlady's husband had been murdered in a similar raid, so obviously that wasn't a good thought to be pinging round my head as the slow-mo nightmare unfolded. I've only been mugged once before, but with no weapons in sight, and that was bad enough (on Bermondsey Street, London). But this was on a whole other level of surreal horror. Baby Sam was still zipping up and down the corridor in his Chicco Walker. At one point the nanny was on her knees with hands on head and I feared the worst. One of the guys told me several times to relax, which was i suppose nice and Brazilian, and the hand and feet tying were also fairly relaxed. Perhaps if it happened enough times I would become blasé, comfortable with the routine. Or perhaps not. As it was happening, my first thought was: I'd rather not die, and my second was: thank you and goodnight Brazil. Enough is enough. Maybe I'll come back when you've learned how to run a half-decent society.

PS: Suspicions in some quarters are already falling on the nanny. Was she part of the set-up, even waiting for me to return from several hours away from the house (I had just got back in) before answering the door to some "flower delivery men" who were then able to get a personal tour of my possessions from yours truly rather than having to waste time looking on their own ? This conspiracy theory didn't occur to me I have to say, since the nanny's reaction had seemed authentic and obviously very upset. I don't know yet what to think. Other suspicions are that someone locally tipped off the criminals that there was a "rich foreigner" living here. I always thought Priscila was being a bit too paranoid when she used to worry about that. But she had heard how the Koreans were often targeted because it was known that they kept a lot of cash at home. That's Brazil: avoid paying one kind of tax and you're likely to have to pay it anyway to a different sort of tax man !

PS2: No, I don't think it was her. Key detail emerges: the flower delivery was announced by a woman, obviously their accomplice, and was specifically for "Dona Priscila". Recently I paid a large cash commission to a guy who came to the house to collect on behalf of the nanny agency we used. Or there's the house hunting agent P recently recruited, at great expense, to help find us alternative accommodation, (which she didn't) and about whom P is now suspicious. Or what about the other nanny we interviewed and wanted to try out but who never showed up ? Being suspicious of people seems to be a way of life here. "You can't trust anyone!" is what I keep being told, like a child who needs to grow up quickly.

I am now hearing from the nanny that they wanted to tie her up in the bathroom but she got them to agree to being with me and Sam in the bedroom. She had worried they would kidnap the baby and that thought also crossed my mind. Apparently they also said they would be coming back for more stuff which they "knew" we had. Secondary shock setting in. Nanny said it helped that Sam didn't cry. Nanny also said if I hadn't been here to show them where the money was then she and Sam might now be dead, since they would have been so angry at not finding what they wanted. Secondary shock well and truly set in.

PS3: other random recollections. Nanny went down to let the thieves in. I was playing on floor with Sam when she comes back into flat with two men ... I naturally assume: handymen come to do yet more remedial work on the bathroom ? It's interesting how the prevailing state of mind struggles to adapt to a radically changed reality. It's sort of: these are two handymen and one of them just happens to be holding a gun instead of a hammer (actually, both had guns, according to the nanny).

Maybe it's because I've always been a bit slow, but the sense of panic took time to kick in. However, once there it was pretty paralysing. Lots of "por favors" and "obrigados" from me, with encouragement to "help yourself to everything". There was lots of half-shouting from them, obviously trying to get me to reveal the location of all the loot. It was like a dark version of The Generation Game, where you are struggling to name all the items of interest in a very short space of time. I did briefly try to think about escape but my mind just couldn't shift from the situation at hand. By the time we were told to move from the sitting room to the bedroom I found I was having a hard time making the short walk, and when the tying up began, the surreal sense of something very abnormal happening was in full flight. I remember being particularly nervous that I would be blindfolded - not good for my claustrophobia that. Thankfully I wasn't. But the sense of relief when they left was equally powerful. Bliss it was in that crappy apartment to be alive !

Maria called the police straight after the robbers left. A bunch of officers came round, trouped in and out in that usual cavalry-rushing-to-the-rescue-after-a-crime way, seemed especially interested in how much cash had been taken, but took no notes or anything. Later we all took a taxi to local police station which thankfully was void of other customers. It was typically underwhelming in furnishings and equipment, including an ancient typewriter. A woman typed out some sort of a report for us to sign, although apparently we need to go back tomorrow for more bureaucracy.

A friendly police chap talked to us at length, including comments about the hopeless state of Sao Paulo policing, eg 3000 police chiefs (?) to police 42 million people in Greater Sao Paulo. Also how many light years ahead policing in New York is, when he visited, what with all their amazing technology. He has to use technology which constantly crashes and loses data during the frequent power cuts. He also mentioned how when he was in France he laughed at the policing "problem" of which his French counterparts complained. "Crime in Brazil is on a whole different scale," he declared, noting the vast social problems behind it.

No surprise then that he was not in the least bit optimistic about things changing for the better. He was also convinced that the thieves had been staking us out and were waiting for me to return home before making their move. I had been out for a few hours having lunch with friends in Higienopolis and then watching Girl with the whatnot tattoo on the iPad, seated in a gelateria while eating a surprisingly good banana split, and thinking, as I occasionally do: maybe Brazil's not so bad after all.

Oh yes, I asked him how often such robberies include serious violence and he said not so often, they just want your stuff. What if we hadn't had any cash lying about ? They would maybe have stayed longer, still looking and maybe would have got heavier with us. Makes it sound fairly civilised ! Although he did add that you don't want to antagonize them and be careful if they are looking drugged up ... Love that kind of advice, a bit like when Canadians tell you to be careful if you find yourself alone with a grizzly in the forest.

Gallows humor aside, it has been one hell of an ugly and shocking experience.

PS4: The morning after the madness before. Just phoned my travel insurance company, AXA (provided as part of my Lloyds Bank account). The first thing the "assistant" says is not "Im sorry to hear that" but "Do you have contents insurance ?" Moronic question. Then she helpfully informs me that the total limit for all stolen items is £500, which of course makes a mockery of the word "valuables". And for cash it's the princely sum of £250. All of that before the the excess fee (which I had paid to waive). Yes, Tom Friedman, the world is indeed flat. It's becoming equally rubbish everywhere.