Toilet humour

How cheap can you get ? Not as cheap as our damn landlords. They have just replaced the toilet, which took several days because that's how long it takes for a bit of concrete to dry here. Why the hell were they using concrete ? Because it's Brazil where you need a very good reason not to use concrete !

Why did they change the toilet, since doing anything to enhance our existence in this death trap of a flat is like getting blood out of a stone ? Because every time we flushed it caused water problems in their flat below. So they changed the toilet, with great reluctance, but stopped short at providing a toilet seat. That non-essential luxury is apparently to come out of our pocket. Or so I was informed by the not-very-handyman who did the work and whom I had to ask to refrain from taking fag breaks in our bathroom,

Do we want a toilet seat ? I've been wondering whether perhaps we can re-imagine our toilet a bit like trendy cyclists in London re-imagine their bicycles: stripped down to the bare minimum. Perhaps it's even more hygienic not having a seat under which germs collect ? But at least one of the two females in this household would prefer a good old-fashioned toilet seat. The nanny didn't seem bothered when I asked her.

Talking of toilets, there was mention a few posts back of Brazil's perhaps unique tradition of not flushing toilet paper but - prepare to be disgusted - throwing it into a bin next to the toilet, awaiting manual disposal alongside the regular rubbish. I had dreaded this upon arriving but thankfully managed to get our former toilet to accept paper alongside everything else. Perhaps that's why it eventually had problems ?

Anyway, looks like its back to the future with this new toilet, with separate paper disposal. It is yet another Bazilian shocker and manifestation of the most extraordinary insularity and backwardness for a supposedly fast developing country. Growing up in Europe we heard horrifying stories, and sometimes experienced first hand, the legendary holes in the ground in France but as far as I'm aware they are all ancient history now. Likewise Spain, which I began visiting in the early 90s, has always offered very nice modern toilets.

I'd like to know how widespread these non-paper-flushing toilets are in today's Brazil ? Do all new-build apartment blocks have proper toilets or do they retain this most uncharming of customs ? And what do Brazilians think of it, if indeed they think about it at all ? P spent five years in London and got used to modern toilets but quickly re-adapted to her native country's unholy eccentricity.

Next time you read an Economist-type article talking about Brazil's "infrastructure problems", spare a thought for one non-Brazilian who now has to acquaint himself with an infrastructure problem of the most intimate variety.